It’s almost the end of 2020. Did it go as planned? Hell no. But like always, we have a choice: erase this year and all the feelings that arose, or take time to reflect on what we’ve learned.

Choosing the second option is harder, it requires us to get vulnerable and to admit that this year still had a purpose, when on the surface it was just a messy turn of events.

So here's me, opening my heart to share 20 things that 2020 taught me.

1. You can’t just run away the moment things get hard or scary

When uncomfortable feelings occur, such as fear, unease, or boredom, it's hard to process them. Several times this year I felt like I couldn’t handle stress or deal with conflict, and I took the easy way out. I ran away thinking “things will be easier there – I’ll get a chance to start again”.

Instead of uprooting ourselves, we gotta try to face real life.

I used to hate when people were talking to me about “real life”, thinking there was no such thing.

Until I realized that yes, I had been running away, just because I thought I didn't have what it takes to handle bad times.

This year I’ve learned what maturity is really about: finding healthy ways to cope.

Finding comfort in discomfort.

“Real life” just means sticking in one place for both the good and the bad times.

2. Be clear about your goal Be flexible about your journey

Plans are made to be thrown away. But we should never lose sight of the big picture.

As long as you’re moving, you’re ok. You’re on the right path, because you’re one your path.

Keep going.

3. Leave time to time

/ Laisse le temps au temps

Trust. Always. More.

Give yourself a chance.

Give where you are a chance

before looking for defaults

and dreaming of somewhere else

on a background of nostalgia

of lost happiness.

Give the present moment

a chance.

It’s ok to not have all the answers right now.

Let yourself be and let all the pieces be.

Good things take time.

4. Don’t be so hard on yourself

We only knew each other for a couple days, but became friends instantly. Every morning, I read a little meditation from my favorite book, and it was always laying on my bed. The day after I left the hostel, I opened the book as usual, just to find a piece of paper folded between two pages:

“Have fun and take care in Paris.

Don’t be too hard on yourself.”

Right on.

You’re doing your best, you’ve done everything you could. When the world and our lives get so unpredictable, so do our thoughts and feelings. You’re still moving forward, in a time when the world is literally stopped.

Ease up on yourself.

5. Our narratives need to be updated

Which stories are you telling yourself that are just not true anymore? Which thoughts loop in your mind and start with “I’m always..” or “I’m too much / not enough…” ?

These are simply not true. They come from unhealed trauma.

Shed some light on your stories and improve your self-talk.

Tip: Replace I by We & replace Why by How

“I feel so alone” > “We all feel alone in times like this.” / "Why have I left myself down again?” > “How can I handle the situation differently next time?”

6. Do what YOU want

The one worrying about others is the one ending up alone.

Choose you first, because no one else will make that choice.

7. Take time for you

You don’t have to be productive all the time. I mean come on, even during a global pandemic, we people invented more goals to achieve and more cakes to cook and more push-ups to do and and and STOP.

“I need to do more”

No you don’t.

This energy of wanting to do always more and be always better is just trying to fill in the void inside you, a void created by the fear of not being enough in the first place.

You are enough. Now go rest.

8. Practice emotional responsibility

I’ve always been familiar with this Karpman triangle concept of rescuer – victim – persecutor, but this year I came to realize how much it actually affected my relationships.

I tend to take responsibility for how others feel. Any chance I’ve got I jump in to rescue them and ease things up for them, assuming their emotional baggage. I tend to be a rescuer in the early stages of a relationship.

This people-pleasing behavior is just the other side of a lack of self-worth. You don’t believe people will love you for who you are but they might like you for what you do.

But if you give too much, you’ll end up victimizing yourself for having so many troubles to think about (when they are not even yours) and then resent the other person for not acknowledging all your efforts. Truth is, they don’t owe you anything. And a lot of times, they didn’t even ask you to go over the line for them.

Take a step back.

Reconsider how much you give to others.

Reconsider what you’re expecting of others.

Keep your relationships healthy and balanced.

Then gift that little extra of energy to yourself instead.

Oh and about emotional responsibility: Telling what you think people want to hear when it's not your true opinion is lying. It's not being nice. It's lying.

Say what you really think and stop anticipating and taking responsibility for other people’s feelings.

Of course, it goes the other way around as well.

9. Sometimes in love, “signs” are just plain facts

Not everything happening in your life has to mean something.

Not every coincidence is a sign that this person is the right for you.

10. Allow yourself to be happy

Is it possible that you don’t allow yourself to be happy because you’ve been betrayed and haven’t healed? You’ve seen and experienced how hurtful life can be and don’t trust it anymore?

Go to the root of the problem.

Then allow it to heal.

We resist what is actually going right in our lives because our brains are always waiting for something to go wrong.

Release control and lean into trust.

What if nothing goes wrong?

Stop resisting your own happiness.

You deserve it.

11. Have deep roots

Get out of your mind and into your body. Remember to do it several times a day. Feel your roots, your strength, your power.

Trust that you have everything you need to overcome anything coming your way.

A storm might shake your core but it shall never steal your essence.

“Fire can burn down your house, or cook your meal and keep you warm on cold days. Your mind works just the same way.”

12. Use your voice to speak up

Yes, this year has been gut-wrenching on so many subjects, but we as people still found a way to move lines. To change countries. Kamala Harris becoming the first woman as Vice President, Argentina's lower house approving a bill to legalize abortion or Assa Traoré being named one of TIME's Guardians of the Year are just proofs that our voices are powerful.

Speak up. March. Repost uncomfortable news. Stand up for what you believe in. Buy a magazine and watch a documentary. Debate with your friends.

Use your voice and don’t underestimate its power.

13. Avoidance & fear of intimacy

Don’t build up walls between you and others. When we get scared, there’s a tendency to go into a “me vs them” mindset. Your ground is so shaky that everybody becomes the enemy, every word becomes a trigger.

Remember that at the end of the day, we are all human. We all have fears and doubts, but we all need connections to survive. We’re all seeking acceptance and craving love and trying to have a good time in between.

Don’t avoid spending time with other people. They might end up teaching you something, share valuable information, or just crack you up with a joke.

14. We have so much to be grateful for

In a time where everybody’s losing their job, be grateful you have one. Everyone’s getting lockdown? Well, at least you have somewhere to be locked down in. You don’t have to worry about where your next meal will come from. You don’t have to worry about where to shower or where to sleep. There’s at least one person in your life you can call when you have a problem or when you feel down.

Be grateful. Truly.

15. The present moment is all there is

And it is so damn hard to stay present. Especially this year, when our daily life is drastically different from what we knew before. It is so damn hard to surrender to this new global dynamic when it feels like we didn’t have a say in abandoning our old lives.

Getting nostalgic about our past and dwelling on “I used to…” and “It was easier when..” are not helping to make the present moment better.

Getting anxious about the future is just creating stress between where we’d like to be and where we actually are. 2020 showed us that everything can be twisted upside down in an instant.

The present moment is all there is.

Yes, use it to dream, to make plans, to create ideas and projects.

Use it also to breathe, to refocus, to ground yourself.

To remember that right now, we’re ok.

That there’s nothing we can do about the past, and we can dream of any future we want, but the only step that matters is the one we are taking right now.

16. Hope is work

Never thought I’ll say this, but to remain hopeful requires courage.

We bathe into so much bad news that hope becomes a daily choice.

But it’s always possible.

Don’t give up on your dreams.

They need you to become reality.

17. Having boundaries is so uncomfortable, but so worth it

When you have a tendency to people-pleasing and low self-worth (ouch & ouch), boundaries seem impossible to install. Saying no? Telling someone they hurt me? Even cutting them out of my life? No way.

“Trouble begins when the need to be loved is stronger than the need to be respected” – C. Petitcollin

Each time I felt used or pushed over in a relationship, I realized my behavior let room for people to do so. I didn’t speak up. I didn’t say how I truly felt or what I wanted. I kept everything inside. While this doesn’t justify their lack of respect and consideration, I should have considered standing my ground first.

“Daring to set boundaries is having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others” – B. Brown

Don't shy away from confrontation because you're afraid people might end up not loving you anymore. True friendships are worth a little confrontation.

18. Set yourself fun goals

This summer I met this person who I admired for his enlightened view of the world, his almost wise perception of things. As we were walking back from the beach, I asked him “What is the one thing you’ve learned from your twenties?”, hoping for a life-changing answer.

“Well.. I guess I learned not to bump into things anymore.”

I laughed. That was it. There is no such thing as a life-changing answer because there is no such thing as a life-changing moment. There is no point in torturing ourselves about looking for that big meaning of it all.

We just need to take it step by step and remember to have fun. Set easy goals for ourselves. Learn how to cook the correct amount of pasta and how much coffee we should put in the filter. How to use a bottle opener and how to take the subway without looking at a map.

Remember that before anything life is a big game that we’re supposed to play.

19. Notice self-sabotage

While external events disrupt our lives (hey covid), we are still the captain on that boat. Waves can crash but we shall not drown for we are still in control.

Own up your life and don’t fall into false excuses. Have the courage to face your behaviors and to ask yourself the hard questions. Why didn’t you finish this project? Why are you trading a good night's sleep for a Netflix marathon? Why are you not picking up that camera, that brush, that pen and paper? Why do you delay sending that text or enrolling in that course?

You might still believe old stories about yourself. You might still lack self-awareness. You might still be following someone else’s path.

Notice your patterns. Are you the one standing in your own way?

20. It’s ok to have a setback

Getting headspace and fighting anxiety is not linear. Healing trauma is not a one-shot thing. It’s a roller coaster.

Sometimes you can’t power through it, you can’t figure it out and you can’t pretend it’s not important. All you can do is surrender.

Healing comes in waves.

You’re doing fine.

Take time to rest.

Allow yourself to enjoy.

And vice versa.

You’ve got this.

I’ve got this.

I love you.