New year, do you.

January is coming to an end: how has the first month of this new decade been treating you? Have you already given up on your good resolutions? How is the dry January going? (cause I gave up after 10 days, oups).

For 2020, I’ve chosen to ditch the resolutions for one simple intention: this year will be the year of me, of my truest self.

As egoistic as it could sound, I know this is exactly what I’ve been led to do these last months and couple of years: exploring which part of me is my core and which is just a reflection of others’ expectations.

I wanted to share this self-discovery, hoping that you too could benefit from a little more self-care. It basically comes down to three things: learning how to love myself, listen to my gut, and trust my decisions.

The best is yet to come.

With love,

Clem

In 2020, I’m showing love for myself by acknowledging every part of me. Every aspect of my personality. Knowing who I am, and who I can’t be.

All life long, we meet new people, be them colleagues, travelers, strangers’ in bars, a friend’s girlfriend. We start to know a bit about their lives, and for some, they seem so interesting that this rush of admiration starts to rise in us. Well, there are two ways we can respond to that: or we find it inspiring, or our brain dwells on the “why can’t I be like this person?” useless thought funnel.

Truth is, often when confronted with something that makes us envious, we don’t actually want to be like this person: we just want to get the same kind of reaction we’re having towards them. We want others to also think “this person is so impressive” when meeting us.

We grow up with so many ideals of how we should be: the cool friend to whom everyone wants to confide their deepest secrets, the perfect child whose parents are so proud to introduce, the popular colleague with the best story to tell at the coffee machine, the easy-going traveler that is never bothered by a lack of organization.

Truth is, you might not be all that, and you will never be all that for everybody. I know I’ll never be the friend who can wait for hours without getting mad, the traveler who doesn’t plan anything, the employee that won’t care if a client patronizes me.

I’m convinced that we can DO anything, but we can’t BE anything.

Getting to the realization that we can’t be all these impressive biased ideals actually frees us. From self-judgment, from envy, allowing us to be kinder and therefore loving yourself more deeply.

You are who you are,

Nothing less, nothing more.

You are enough,

And you are worthy of love,

As you are.

Accept yourself, speak up your truth, learn to put boundaries to avoid others stealing your essence, and believe that once you love every part of yourself, you’re more inclined to love every part of others, accepting them just as they are.

I’ve been held up and covered In my own fear of finding myself.

I was frightened

That if I showed up for myself

People might not love me anymore.

But the ones who care don’t matter,

And the ones who matter don’t care.

✍️ Now try to answer these questions: Who do you envy in your life? Why? Is it a personality trait, a job title, a way of life? What does it say about you? What do you have that this person hasn’t?

In the end, make a quick description of yourself using 3 positive adjectives, and a quick description of the other person using 3 positive adjectives as well. See how you two are complementary, and how on a bigger scale, we all need to be different to function as a society.

Oh how scary it is, when we realize how far we can bog ourselves down into situations that make us unhappy, for we never learned to listen to ourselves.

Two years ago, I found myself in what turned out to be the most heartbreaking and guilty experience of my life. For months, I’d let others’ ideas grow in my head, leaving space for their dreams and fears to root, and I assimilated them as if they were mine. I didn’t stop, not one second, to ask myself if that was the life I truly wanted. I ended up exploding, and as if I was enraged, I threw everything out of the table and ended up with a terrifying clean slate in front of me.

The sooner we listen to ourselves and we ask ourselves what do WE want, the fewer chances we have of ending up quitting everything to grow corn in Peru.

Turns out, life is but a series of choices.

This realization is as freeing as terrifying.

I have the freedom to live the kind of life I want, but what is it truly?

Learn to recognize which thought is yours,

And which belongs to others.

Learn to recognize when your intuition stops,

To leave place for fear of what other people will think.

As I wrote in this article, “you have to shut out all the chatter of what your friends are telling you to do, what your parents are telling you to do, what society is telling you to do, and go to that quiet place inside you that knows the truth.” When making life choices, stop trying to embody what other people expect of you, or worse, what you assume people expect of you!

Do it for YOU.

Finally, don’t do things because you want to say that you’ve done them.

Did I really want to become a French teacher in New Orleans? No. I loved the city but deep down I knew that living in the US seemed unbearable.

Yet, when picturing myself saying “I’m teaching French in Louisiana”, I could already see the impressed looks and comments of others (‘cause you know, it’s New Orleans!).

Breaking news: nobody gives a shit.

It’s not more impressive that you’ve backpacked through Asia than you’ve opened your own startup or that you’re helping migrants in Paris. It’s impressive if this is your calling, something that fulfills you, that matches your personality, your needs and ideals about a better world. Not because your motivation for doing it was the appeal you thought it had in others’ eyes.

Let go of this will of perfection

Let go of wondering, assuming, imagining what others will think

And find peace in listening to what you need and what you want.

I wanted so bad

To meet everybody’s idea of perfection

That I forgot to ask myself

If that made me happy.

✍️Now a quick exercise:

List out something you’ve done – or do consistently – to please other people, something you’ve done out of fear of what others might think, and something you’ve done just because everybody told you it was the “correct” path.

List out three things that fulfilled you in 2019, leaving you feeling complete and accomplished.

For 2020, list out 3 things you want to do, for yourself. Don’t tell anybody else, unless you want their support. But acknowledge that voice inside, and love yourself enough to finally listen to it.

Trust is the third step to a more fulfilling 2020. Once you love who you are, and listen to your gut, then you naturally come to trust yourself, your path, and your ability to overcome whatever challenges come your way.

It can still be a tricky thing. I often find myself doubting my decisions and wondering if I’m on the right path. I feel like I need another person, another city, or another work environment to feel confident.

Trusting yourself is learning to tame fear. It is a hard thing that needs to be built steps by steps, over time.

When doubt pops up in your mind, just acknowledge it, evaluate the risk, but do it anyway. If you love and listen to yourself, you’ll know the right thing to do, and fear is just there as a left-over of your years spent worrying.

The key is to be decisive.

After a few classes of surf, my surf instructor let me try on my own for the first time. I stayed on my board looking at the horizon for a while. I didn’t know which wave to take. It was as if everything he taught me and all our practice just got covered up by fear. “Shut down timidity! Just take one wave!” he said after seeing doubt spreading on my face.

I gathered myself, thought back about every wave I surfed proudly to give me a little confidence, turned my board around, paddled, and trusted that I would make it. On some waves, I couldn’t even get up anymore, on others, I fell after a few seconds, but every time, I got back out, and tried again, until I was able to surf to the shore.

I shut down doubt and these incessant questions in my mind: “Am I good enough? What would the others think seeing me fall? Did I take the right wave?” Cause in life, there is no such thing as the right wave. You just take it, and trust that even if you fall, you’ll have enough oxygen to rise to the surface and try again.

Go on and take risks! Break your habit of questioning your decisions.

Next time you make a choice, stick with it. Even if it turns out not to be the best choice, there’s no use beating yourself up over the decision you made. The best you can do is learn from your mistakes. Believe that you’ll make a better choice next time, and move on. Doing so will help you learn to be more trusting of yourself and your decision-making skills. – source

In the end, fear is not your essence.

Fear doesn’t define you.

Trust that you know what’s best for you.

Trust that you have it all,

that you can take care of yourself,

of your needs and safety.

Trust that you can survive any situation that comes your way,

that you won’t give up on yourself.

Trust that the path you’re on,

or the one you are currently taking,

is the right one.

✍️Now, make a list: when was the last time you surpassed yourself? When did you take a risk and realize that everything turned out ok?

Then, try to identify patterns or situations when you frequently betray yourself: did you set a goal that was too high, or not aligned with your intentions? Now, reformulate it, break it down into small steps, and see how achieving them slowly builds up your self-confidence.

Make 2020 your best year so far by betting on yourself.

Let your truest self shine.

Take up space baby, you’ve earned it.

I love you.